"The Ace of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in capturing the essence. My emotions are valid. I am beautiful and I deserve to pursue, share, and express unconditional love, pleasure, and happiness. I bring new love into the world. I am empowered by love and my gift is beauty in truth."

oh the irony!

&& i remember wanting ever so much for him to see me at my worst.
to see what i'd ignored and purposely hid. [bitter tastes.]
i wanted that trust and love.

who do others in my life want to see them at their worst?
i miss inquiring.

i'm just not ready to breathe without you.
mitchell smith. michtell smith. mitchell smith.

i want to change my mind.

"trust me." and like a fool, i did.
people tell me that i'm a little too kind for my own good. that i'll give too much of myself away without a thought or care in the world if someone asks me to or i think it might end well. i trusted him and he made me cry. it's terribly unfair that anyone, let alone a boy i've known for such a short while, can make me cry.
at least i'll keep my promise. i still think well of him. i'm just not as fond of his actions.

on a side note, i can't believe i danced so much last night with other people. usually i only dance with three people. i think they recognized i was upset or trying to dance myself into a better mood, though, so i had many more offers. austin even danced with me and he's picky. ...and also known for being a bit of an ass. but i adore that. he makes me laugh during classes and i know not to take him seriously. i danced with a boy named tayor, and i've been invited to go to church with him and some friends before dance next week. it might be interesting. i'm not sure. i took someone's number, became more friendly with another person who is openly a bit of a jerk (one of those few you can be fond of), and even felt flattered at a few points throughout the night.
i miss that boy, but things will be ok. they always are eventually.

love always,
me.

Current Mood: content
Current Music: gavin mikhail "not enough"

Although spending time with them can be very stressful, I'm moreso fond of these delightful little memories we create each time we're in Portland. I hope to keep up with the swing dance scene after she moves. It's lovely. I enjoy that I'm laughing at myself without feeling too embarrassed during dance as well. It's a terrific first, and one I hope to develop.
It's strange just what we get ourselves into that turn out so beautiful.

sometimes we tear into those old habits because we've lost our familiars. because it's an answer. maybe more of a question.
it's funny- my measurement of bad. are there degrees to something being bad? i used to consider it all black and white.

i've been angry, hurt, torn between left and right.
people say that what i do is because i have control issues.
finally i might agree with them.
 

only twenty-nine more credits to go until i recieve my bachelors in social sciences, focus in sociology and minor in psychology. i'm so grateful that i'll graduate next spring and finally be done with school. i used to love it. i really did. but something seems to have changed and lately it just seems tiresome. some of the classes took the fun out of it, and now, although i do enjoy learning, i'm definitely tired of the atmosphere of a school room. i want to take the time to have fun and find myself. something i'm sure that everyone says, but is important nonetheless.
twenty-nine credits.
a bachelors before i turn twenty-one.
but what's next?

i feel so frustrated to have all of this reading and work to that i'm not enjoying. it's a new sensation. and i want more time to do what i want, but maybe i'll just have to work on that, too.
i've been walking the boardwalk lately. it's a wonderful little area to go and just enjoy the scenery. morgan and i walked it on saturday, and i'm still laughing at the fact that it's january, freezing cold, and it snowed on us during a 4+ mile walk. fun times...
maybe i'll get back into this again. i hope so.

i'm unhappy. this week seems to only get worse. i can't wait for school to start up again, because maybe i'll be able to focus again on the right things. or maybe, at the very least, get distracted from what's been happening lately.

-monday. anxious for one voice that i'd never hear. i lie awake all night trying to calm my breath. i can't concentrate, but i figure things will get better tomorrow.
-tuesday. jason dumps me, and i learned that even the guys i thought were good are awful and horrible sometimes. my mother lectures me about it. we argue. my dad gives me a long hug and i cry to him for an hour. my parents gave me some wine jokingly to make me feel better, too. it tasted awful. the liquor was better. (small amounts, no worries.)
-wednesday. my dad installs new software to make the computer run faster. all of my things, including my profile, are deleted. schoolwork, sadly, is gone, too. turns out everything was set to default save into temporary folders. i think i'm okay, and i play music loudly and dance or jump around. i only get dizzy.
-thursday. i finally won at sequence, but dad got sick and didn't tell anyone, giving everyone mean looks instead all night. i had to lie to my grandparents. they cut the turkey and i saw a bone and freaked. [i really don't know why i was watching when i knew i couldn't handle it.] i didn't let myself cry.
-friday. all of my e-mail got deleted, too, apparently. twilight [the movie] sucks, with those damned close-ups and everything else. i get to decorate my own tree this year and put it in my room. my parents are really trying to make me smile. i appreciate their efforts, but it isn't worth it. i'm still lapsing into silence.
-weekend. i haven't been able to concentrate all week. i've felt kind of sick and i'm not always as ready to eat as i hope i am. i can't sleep. but i have lots of schoolwork to do. i don't know if i can get all of it done on time. i'm worried.

at least i've finally recognized how ***damn gullible i am. never believe words because you think you need to. -that you need those words. you don't.

[i'm fine, i swear. just raw.]

i'll write a normal entry soon. i promise.

"is it a mistake?"
i turn back to those photos, those letters and memories.
"maybe it is." but i think i'll regret my decisions either way sometimes.